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Saturday Laughs


Coachgun
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A man at the grocery market and tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.


Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Liverpool, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

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Little Johnny always struggled a bit in school but always tried hard to please his parents and his teacher.

One day, his teacher was giving a lesson about nouns.  She said, “an abstract noun is something you can think of but not touch.  Can someone give me two examples?”

Thinking quick on his feet and wanting to impress his teacher, Johnny was quick to raise his hand and proclaiming he had an answer!

The teacher said, “calm down Johnny, what is your answer?”

Johnny proudly replied, “your boobs!”

And that’s why Little Johnny failed 2nd grade.

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One rainy spring night in Boston, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Park Road," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

1:00 a.m. came however, and he didn't return. 2:00 and no hired hand. Finally he returned around 2:30 and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.  "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

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Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart-aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."

Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey gentlemen, whacha' sellin'?"

One of the businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling a**holes."

Without missing a beat, the man replied, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"

Edited by Coachgun
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Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park. They saw two dogs having sex. Little Johnny asks, "What are they doing, Dad?"

Dad replies, "They're making puppies."

Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents’ bedroom and they are having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?"

Dad replies, "We're making a baby."

Little Johnny replies, "Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies!"

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Old Billy Joe loved to fish and was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

Billy Joe looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

Billy Joe said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

Billy Joe stared at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures  like you have never had."

Billy Joe opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

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So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty.  My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.  Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. 😳

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So here's one for the weekend funny...

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

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