Saturday Laughs

[Coachgun]

 

Granny, Barbara, and Christmas 

 

As a joke, my brother Steve used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Steve’s kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the HOV lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Barbara." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Barbara a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Barbara came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Barbara's pliant legs and bottom. I went home, and laughed for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Barbara should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Barbara the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Steve said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Steve’s friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantle, talking to Barbara. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was working where, how jobs were going, etc., when suddenly Barbara made a noise like my father does in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantle, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and went and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Barbara's collapse. We discovered that Barbara had suffered from a hot ember from the fireplace to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until Christmas next year!

 

Merry Christmas to all!

 

[Coachgun]

When Grandpa and little Johnny entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Johnny whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights!’

[Coachgun]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?

 

Old people are a blessing!  Happy New Year everyone!

[Coachgun]

Steve walked into a bar one evening in Washington D.C. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 11:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Steve and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Steve says, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Steve placed $100 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very frustrated and handed her $100 to Steve, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Steve replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6:00 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Steve took the money. Alexandria told Steve he needed to share the $100 with everyone else in the bar and she went back to work in Congress.

Edited January 11, 2020 by Coachgun

[Coachgun]

A man goes to a restaurant and is seated by an extremely hot waitress. When she asks him for his order he replies, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress storms off angry.

After she regains composure she comes back and asks him once again what he will have. He replies, "All I want is a quickie." She can't control herself this time so she slaps him.

A man sitting near him leans over and whispers, "Sir, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

[Coachgun]

Happy Saturday all.  I apologize I've missed the last couple of weeks. 

 

Mrs. Jones asks her class, "What part of the body grows ten times larger when stimulated?"

The class is silent so the teacher asks them again. This time a little girl named Kim raises her hand, "Mrs. Jones, you shouldn't be asking seventh graders this kind of question. I'm going to tell my parents."

Mrs. Jones ignores her and calls on Johnny. He answers, "The pupil in your eye."

Mrs. Jones replies, "Very good Johnny," then she turns to Kim, "Now for you young lady, I have three things to tell you. First, you have a very dirty mind. Second, you didn't do your homework. Third, you are going to be very disappointed."

[Coachgun]

A blonde was trying to paint their house wearing a fur coat and a mink coat. By the afternoon, she passed out sweating and exhausted. When her husband came and found her unconscious and got her revived, he asked why she was wearing the coats?  She replied, "On the label it says, for full coverage, USE TWO COATS!"

[Coachgun]

Three Dogs At The Vet...

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck
up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said,  "So why are you here ? "
 
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

 "Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
 "They reckon it'll calm me down."
 
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "So why are you here ?"
 

The black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the fun of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you? " the yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.
 
The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away."

The black and the yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!”

[Coachgun]

Bob and Dave were standing high on a ridge overlooking a road in rural East Texas on opening day of deer season.

They both spotted a huge buck trotting towards them. Just as Bob raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession was driving slowly down the road. Bob slowly lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession had passed. Of course by then, the buck was long gone.

Dave exclaimed, “Wow that was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen! You are an amazing human being and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world to pay respect to others!”

Bob nodded and said; “well, it was out of respect, after all we were married for 45 years!”

[Coachgun]

On the first day of school, Miss Jones is asking the class what they did over summer vacation. Little Johnny says "we stuck firecrackers up the butts of squirrels and lit ‘em up!" Miss Jones stops him and says, "Johnny! The correct word is rectum." Johnny says, " you're dang right we rectum!!! We blowed ‘em all to pieces!"

[Coachgun]

A terrible snowstorm blows through town one night and leaves everything covered in snow.  The snow plows were working furiously to keep the larger parking lots cleared to allow people to pick up essential groceries etc. After a while, a snow plow driver noticed a car had been following him for an hour. He stopped and got out of his truck to see if the driver needed help.  As he approached the driver of the car, he asked, "ma'am, is there anything I can do for you?"

"No", the blonde replied. "My father always told me that if a snow storm ever hit while I was going home and I got lost, to follow a snow plow as it would eventually lead me home."

"That's all fine and dandy ma'am, "the driver replied, "but after I finish the Wal-Mart, I have to move on to the other grocery stores in town."

[Coachgun]

A family is at the dinner table. Little Johnny asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father somewhat surprised, answers, “Well son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” little Johnny asks. “Yes", said the father. "You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter, Maryanne.  Maryanne asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, sturdy and very firm. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” Maryanne asks. “Yes, said the mother.  "Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

Hope all of you are well.  Be careful and keep a safe social distance and wash your hands often!

[Coachgun]

 

An old, blind cowboy walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for a while, he yells at the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The entire bar immediately falls completely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl standing 6'4" and can bench press 400 lbs.

3. I'm a 6' 2" tall woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde as well as a professional wrestler.

5. The woman sitting on the other side of you is a blonde and a UFC fighter.

The lady continued on, "think long and hard if you really want to tell that joke mister."

The blind cowboy doesn't take long to ponder his decision and says, "No, not really, especially if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Edited March 28, 2020 by Coachgun

[Coachgun]

Although it’s been well over 10 years since I’ve played golf, I saw this on another forum and thought it was too good not to share.  Enjoy, stay safe and have a good weekend!

 

Pandemic Golf

March Madness is cancelled, the NBA is shut down, the Masters is postponed, and my Aunt Marge’s senior bowling has even thrown in the towel. Now restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap governor is threatening to shut down all entertainment facilities including golf courses. I have not tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.

There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My wife suggested we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and its cart path only.  My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.

The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.

Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the shutdown, we were having dinner at a local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and everyone at the surrounding tables started yelling "check please." My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.

Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic virus. Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it down to a Chinese fish market or Rosie O’Donnell’s bathtub. And no one is sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent contracting a contagious disease were simple: don’t eat in restaurants with cat on the menu and don’t date my college roommate’s sister.

I don’t consider myself to be in the high risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald’s for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3 foot putt. I can handle it.

So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.

Our foursome does not pose a medical risk to mankind. My friend, George is virus free. Social distancing has not been a problem for him. Other than us, he doesn’t have any friends. Bob, my neighbor is a urologist who has been working from home for several weeks. He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone. And our other partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. However, he thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.

The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Greg Brady’s fan club can still meet. In addition, our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf.

 

Rules of Play:

• Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.

• Masks are not permitted, because we would look more like stagecoach robbers than a foursome.

• Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.

• Ride in separate golf carts and don’t come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.

• Don’t touch another player’s balls. This is always good advice.

• No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.

• No petting the geese or the cart girl.

• Don’t use the spot-a-pot. More disease in there than in all of Wuhan China.

• No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.

• Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.

• Straddle the sprinkler on the 18th hole before getting into the car.

 

These rules and restrictions adequately protected us from contamination. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine for bad golf. I had trouble gripping the club with oven mittens, but it was an enjoyable afternoon which ended way too soon. There were no handshakes on the 18thgreen, no beers at the bar, and we drove home separately.

[Coachgun]

A guys first condom experience…

 

 

“Herb was telling his friend Joe about his first time using a condom, when he was around 18 or so. He went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that Herb was new at it. She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one. He answered honestly, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned Herb to make sure it was on tight and secure. Herb apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking Herb’s hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked Herb.

Well, Herb was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So Herb removed his clothes and got down to business. He said it was so great, but unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and was done within a few moments.

She looked at Herb with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you have any problem putting that condom on?’ she asked.

Herb said, ‘No, not at all,’ and held up his thumb to show her.

She fainted.

Edited April 11, 2020 by Coachgun