Saturday Laughs

[Coachgun]

In the spirit of football season...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[Coachgun]

Boudreaux is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Boudreaux his choice between a nickel and a dime, Boudreaux always takes the nickel. One day, after Boudreaux takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Boudreaux, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Boudreaux grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[Coachgun]

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when he raises his hand and says "Miss Johnson I gotta take a piss". Miss Johnson says " Johnny the word is urinate. When you can use that word in a sentence I will let you go". Johnny thinks a minute and says" Miss johnson , urinate but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"
 

[Coachgun]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night and he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

BTW-I love blondes!

[Coachgun]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the minister told them, “We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for 
one whole month.”
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
“You’re back so soon...Is there a problem?” the priest inquired.
“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly. The priest asked him
what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off
carnal thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with
her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat”, admitted the man, with a downcast face.

The minister lowered his head and said sternly, “You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.”
“We know,” said the young man, hanging his head, “We're not welcome at Lowes, either.”

[Coachgun]

 

Sat Oct 28, 2017 12:16 pm

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[Coachgun]

My retired uncle got a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees. We thought he would be great at this since he is honest and very personable. Unfortunately, he lasted less than half the day.

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-spirited woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per the greeter training manual, my uncle said politely, “good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 8, and the youngest is 6.  She asked my uncle why the hell would he think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So my uncle replied, “I’m not blind nor stupid, ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone had sex with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

His supervisor thought he should find a job elsewhere!
 

Edited October 20, 2019 by Coachgun

[Coachgun]

Just in time for halloween...

Fredo dressed up to go trick-or-treating and knocked on one of his neighbors door. A sweet lady answered and said, “how cute, a little pirate! But where are your buccaneers?”  Fredo looked confused and pointed to both sides of his head and said "right here, what's the matter with your buccaneyes?”

[Coachgun]

Boudreaux was retired in Louisiana and owned a large farm. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was perfectly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening Boudreaux decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

[Coachgun]

Boudreaux is in the bar and two very large women with accents are sitting down the bar from him.  He says, “those are nifty accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them abruptly yells, “it’s Whales you idiot!”  Boudreaux says “OK, are you two whales from Scotland? “

Needless to say, Boudreaux couldn’t remember much after that.

[Coachgun]

Upon hearing that her grandfather had passed away,  Sally  went to her grandparent's house to console her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Shocked beyond belief, Sally told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would not be a good idea. "Oh no, my dear," replied her grandmother, “many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow,  nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." Her grandmother paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "your sweet grandfather would still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't driven down the street!”

”It’s not the years in your life but the life in your years!”

Edited November 16, 2019 by Coachgun

[Coachgun]

Herb staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a 3-iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said Herb, "I was having a nice, quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we sliced both of our tee shots into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

Happy Thanksgiving all!

CG

Edited November 23, 2019 by Coachgun

[Coachgun]

One day, while on their lunch break, Bob says to Herb, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I think I need to go see a doctor."

"Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Herb replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.  All you have to do is give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes 30 seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart where he proceeds to deposit ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 30 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctors note for your employer."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, to get a good cross-section sampling.

He then went back to Wal-Mart the next day, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his sample, and waits.

In 30 seconds the computer prints the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better."

"And, as always... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Edited November 30, 2019 by Coachgun

[Coachgun]

Little Johnny's parents were really in the mood to make love on Saturday morning, but had to get Johnny away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all the activities of their neighbors for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, Johnny did as he was told.
His parents had their time of passionate love, and then came the formality of the report an hour later so they asked little Johnny what he found out.
Johnny said “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Roberts was cleaning the BBQ grill, the Johnsons were having breakfast on the patio and the Jacksons were having sex.”
His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

[Coachgun]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."