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Saturday Laughs


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A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built body builder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

After they get relaxed on the couch, the body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”

The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”

He tells her, “That’s 100 pounds of dynamite, baby!”

He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”

The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 pounds of dynamite, baby.”

He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims, “Boom!”

The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”

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Tom had just bought a new Ferrari and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair, music was playing loud and he decided to open up the throttle. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Ferrari," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"Listen pal, I've had a tough shift and this is my last traffic stop. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me one good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, I will let you off with a warning!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

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Thoughts from the journal of a quarantine life...

Day 1 - I Can Do This! I have enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my eighth bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew?

Day 4 – 8:00 pm: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!

Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3 to 1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

Day 16 - Realization: Half of us are going to come out of this as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

Day 17 - Still haven't decided where to go for Memorial Day,  the living room or the bedroom?

Day 18 - Observation: I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

Day 19 - I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Day 20 - Every few days I try my jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well!

Day 21 - Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

Day 22 - I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

Day 23 - This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog and we laughed a lot.

Day 24 - So, after this quarantine, will the producers of "My 600 Pound Life" just find me or do I find them?

Day 25 -My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 26 - Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Day 27 - I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living Room.

Day 28 - Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 29 - Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year." I'm offended.

Day 30 - I'm out of food and am ready to enter the grocery store. Will they suspect a holdup with this mask and gloves?

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An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's coffee and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

After a few minutes and without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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A few years back, there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a large pasture. Suddenly a brand new SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a fancy suit, nice shoes, sunglasses and tie, gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, "Alright."

The young man parks the vehicle, connects his laptop to his cell phone, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database with several Excel spreadsheets filled with algorithms, then prints out a 100-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

"You have exactly 1,586 sheep," he declares.

"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You may take a sheep."

The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his car.

The shepherd asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep?"

"Why not?" answers the young man.

"You're a Consultant," declares the shepherd confidently.

"That's amazing! How did you guess so quickly and easily?" asks the man.

"Very simple," replies the shepherd. "First you came here without being called. Secondly, you charge me to tell me something I already knew. And thirdly, you do not understand anything about what I do.  And lastly you took my sheepdog!"

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Women's English

1.                   Yes = No

2.                   No = Yes

3.                   Maybe = No

4.                   We need = I want

5.                   I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6.                   We need to talk = I need to complain

7.                   Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8.                   Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9.                   I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10.               Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

11.               You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12.               Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13.               You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14.               Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15.               It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16.               You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17.               I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

18.               How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

Men's English

1.                   I am hungry = I am hungry

2.                   I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3.                   I am tired = I am tired

4.                   Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5.                   I love you = Let's have sex now

6.                   I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7.                   What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8.                   May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9.                   Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10.               Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11.               Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12.               Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

13.               You look tense, I’ll give you a massage = I want to have sex within the next 3 mins.

14.               Let's talk = I am trying to show you that I am a deep person and we can then have sex.

15.               I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

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Herb and Edna were an elderly couple and had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, Herb decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," Edna says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

Herb sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked Edna in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Army Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.   He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent and start thinking the worst.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."


Happy 4th of July everyone!

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One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9:30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

"Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.

George said, "Sure, but wait for me if I'm ten minutes late."

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute. You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that's true. I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she's lying on her back?"

George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!

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The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS.

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A Zebra arrives on a farm. The first animal she meets is a cow. "What’s your job?" she asks.

"My job is to give milk," the cow replies.

The next animal she meets is a chicken. "What’s your job," she asks.

"My job is to lay eggs," the chicken answers.

The third animal she meets is a stallion. "What’s your job?" she asks.

The stallion replies, "Just take off those striped pajamas and I'll show you!"

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