Coachgun

Very nice Defender FiremanRon! Welcome to the forum! CG

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Packer fan wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Go Pack' cheese hat and a "The Pack rules" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Bears fans wearing Bears shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Packer fan from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three Bears fans finished off the grizzly. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Packer fan in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Packer fans and Bears fans, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one Bears fan asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the Bears fan said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Wisconsin and get another one?"

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragrant scent of roses to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care. When the powder puff completed its course of action, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be the ultimate! Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.” Things aren’t looking up anytime soon. I should be out of the hospital in a couple of weeks.

Twelve Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor. 4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 5. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day. 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed. 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 8. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?" 9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em. 10. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray. 11. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting. And last, but not least: If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff. To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door and observe who's happy to see you....

Nice stable of SXS's you have there....welcome to the forum! CG

An Army General was about to start the morning briefing to all the staff and while waiting for everyone to get their morning coffee, the General decided to pose a question to all assembled. He began by explaining that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he hadn’t got his usual amount of sleep. He then posed the question; "How much of the act of making love is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure?" A Captain chimed in with "75-25% in favor of work". A Lieutenant said "it was probably about 50-50%." A Sergeant responded with a 25-75% in favor of 'pleasure', (depending upon his state of inebriation at the time). Not having any consensus, the General. turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. “What is your opinion Private?” Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure - Sir." The General, a little surprised and as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier"? "Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir." (God Bless The Wisdom of Privates)

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying onits side near the pieces of window glass.A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?''Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.''No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!''And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?''Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?'She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'You know I love you, sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes, and asked, How old are you and your husband?''Why we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.'No Kidding,' he said.'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Sorry a little late! Have a good weekend!

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely, and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic. Fortunately, a pickup truck pulled over to help. The driver was a homely, middle-aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day. In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning. The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her. Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely ranch where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this ranch for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests. Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby. Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt. In the morning the widow made them a full breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come pick up their car. When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later. Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again. About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other. "Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?" "Yes, Mike. I remember that." "And Bob, do you remember that very kind widow that took us in for the night?" "Well of course I remember her Mike." "Well Bob, I have to ask you something." "Ok Mike." "Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?" “Yes Mike, I did." "And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?" "I did Mike." "Did you and the widow make love Bob?" "Yes, we did Mike" "Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?" "I did Mike. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Mike!" "Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."

Welcome to the forum dkdesign! CG