Coachgun

Steve walked into a bar one evening in Washington D.C. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 11:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. Alexandria looked at Steve and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Steve says, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Steve placed $100 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very frustrated and handed her $100 to Steve, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Steve replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6:00 o'clock news and knew he would jump." Alexandria replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Steve took the money. Alexandria told Steve he needed to share the $100 with everyone else in the bar and she went back to work in Congress.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast? Old people are a blessing! Happy New Year everyone!

When Grandpa and little Johnny entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Johnny whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights!’

Granny, Barbara, and Christmas As a joke, my brother Steve used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Steve’s kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the HOV lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Barbara." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Barbara a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Barbara came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Barbara's pliant legs and bottom. I went home, and laughed for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Barbara should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Barbara the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Steve said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Steve’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantle, talking to Barbara. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was working where, how jobs were going, etc., when suddenly Barbara made a noise like my father does in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantle, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and went and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Barbara's collapse. We discovered that Barbara had suffered from a hot ember from the fireplace to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until Christmas next year! Merry Christmas to all!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Quick update....been almost a month and the tires are doing great. No sign of any leaks and maintaining pressure! CG

Little Johnny's parents were really in the mood to make love on Saturday morning, but had to get Johnny away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all the activities of their neighbors for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, Johnny did as he was told. His parents had their time of passionate love, and then came the formality of the report an hour later so they asked little Johnny what he found out. Johnny said “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Roberts was cleaning the BBQ grill, the Johnsons were having breakfast on the patio and the Jacksons were having sex.” His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

Welcome Lake! I need to break down and purchase a light bar as well so I'm in the same boat with you. One of these days....

Awesome looking buggy Dirt863! Welcome!

Welcome Joe! Sounds like you bought you a nice buggy. Post some pictures when you can!

Welcome Saraluck9090 and SavageHus!

One day, while on their lunch break, Bob says to Herb, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I think I need to go see a doctor." "Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Herb replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. All you have to do is give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes 30 seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart where he proceeds to deposit ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 30 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctors note for your employer." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, to get a good cross-section sampling. He then went back to Wal-Mart the next day, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his sample, and waits. In 30 seconds the computer prints the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better." "And, as always... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Happy Thanksgiving all! Many blessings to each of you and your families! CG

Herb staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a 3-iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said Herb, "I was having a nice, quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we sliced both of our tee shots into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!" Happy Thanksgiving all! CG

Upon hearing that her grandfather had passed away, Sally went to her grandparent's house to console her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Shocked beyond belief, Sally told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would not be a good idea. "Oh no, my dear," replied her grandmother, “many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." Her grandmother paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "your sweet grandfather would still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't driven down the street!” ”It’s not the years in your life but the life in your years!”

Update- I put the Tireject in the Defender’s tires this morning so we’ll see how everything goes. The whole process was pretty simple! CG

Boudreaux is in the bar and two very large women with accents are sitting down the bar from him. He says, “those are nifty accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them abruptly yells, “it’s Whales you idiot!” Boudreaux says “OK, are you two whales from Scotland? “ Needless to say, Boudreaux couldn’t remember much after that.

Thanks for the suggestion Mark but too rich for my blood. 😧 CG

I purchased a bottle jack capable of up to 12.75" of lift. However, after jacking up the Defender to the maximum on the jack, I realized this wasn't anywhere close to the amount of clearance needed to remove the wheel. I ended up having to stack (3) 2x4's on top of the jack to get it up high enough to get the wheel off and back on. I'd appreciate any recommendations on what others have used to lift your Defenders high enough to remove the wheel? Thank you in advance! CG

Great idea Andy! Thanks for the suggestion. Good news is I wasn't paying close enough attention to realize I didn't have to remove the axle nut to pull the wheel. I had a brain-lapse thinking about my CRF250X having to pull the axle nut to remove the wheel! Bad news is I called two dealers and no one in either of the parts department knew what size it is. Hopefully, I'll never have to remove it!

Boudreaux was retired in Louisiana and owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back. It was perfectly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening Boudreaux decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

Sure will Andy! For the stock tire, you think i should get 10 oz or 12 oz per tire?

Andy-the nut for the studs are definitely 17mm but the axle nut is bigger. See picture below, maybe a 24mm?

Well, I procrastinated too long. Went to take the Defender out today to do some work and tire was flat. I haven’t pulled wheel off yet but I’m betting it’s a mesquite thorn. Once I get it repaired, I will be purchasing some of this for precautionary measure!

Good evening all, I need to remove the right front wheel of my HD8 to repair a flat and can’t figure out the size of the axle nut? I looked through the owners manual and didn’t see it anywhere. I’d appreciate if anyone can tell me what size it is. Thanks in advance! CG